How To Keep a Conversation Going

Everyone in this world has something to learn and this blog of mine I felt was something I learnt when I read couple of books and feel that would be great learning for you all too.

I want you to imagine the following scenario – you are at business network function or at a social network gathering and you meet someone you would like to know them better, could be a potential client or business contact or someone you would like to date. You take turns back and forth, asking questions, telling stories and generally trying to make a good first impression on that person at some point of the conversation though you would be struggling to keep the conversation going and you are not sure what to say next or what to ask next, in the end the conversation dies and it fizzles out as you realize there is nothing left to talk about in a moment. How many of you can relate to what I am saying here…I think we all can and the good news is after reading through this blog you will learn a simple way how to keep a conversation going without constantly trying to figure out what am I going say next or what story am I going to tell him next. It is really easy, all you have to do is ask right kind of questions.

When it comes to conversations, there are usually two kinds of questions – there are closed questions and there are open-ended questions. Closed questions generally prompt people to give concise, short replies, they elicit brief facts from people like yes or no, example of a closed question would be – “Isn’t it beautiful outside today?” – to of which most of you would reply No, as it is very cold these days in US. When I happen to go to social gatherings I use to ask lot of closed questions and what happens when you do that is – it looks like you are interrogating somebody. 

Here is a typical conversation how it looks like when I happen to talk with a lady – 

Hello Miss, how are you today? – Very well, how about you Kamal – I am good.

Have you been in US for a while now? – yep. Really how long have you been? – couple of years.

Well do you like it ? – ya. 

How many of you can see that this conversation can be forgettable at very best? and be honest how many of you feel that you have started a conversation like that in a social gathering or networking or event or a party.

You see closed questions are lot like you are riding a bicycle – when you are riding a bicycle you need two things to move forward – balance and you need forward momentum, and when you ask too many closed questions in a row, you start to slow things down in the conversation and what happens is – it is really difficult to move forward. Closed questions do not give you the push you need to keep things going, in order to do that you need to ask – open ended questions. Now open ended questions generally prompt people to give longer and more thought out answers, they stop and think, it generally elicits opinions, ideas, stories, an example for an open ended question would be – my god it is starting to get too cold lately, what do you guys think about the weather during the Christmas?, could that get you talking for a while. I want to show you how that conversation would be like – if I asked an open ended question.

Hello Miss, how are you? – Very well, how are you Kamal – pretty good.  

So how long have you been attending this course? – I have been coming to this for couple of years and I am really enjoying it. 

What was it about this course that originally attracted you? – Well one of my professors had initially suggested students like me to pursue this course and they have come back with great improvement.

Why do you think that your professor has suggested you to this course? – Well I was initially having some fear and difficulty with the higher level courses but after joining this basic course, I am feeling great and excelling in every other course…

Can you see the difference it is much easier for her to talk to me, as I am giving her more of an opportunity to participate. I always use to feel like conversations are like spinning those merigorounds. When we were kids, we use to go to park and get onto those merigorounds,somebody use to spin it and we hold on to it. Open ended questions are those which give that push which keeps the conversation going.

So far we have talked about closed questions which are lot like riding bicycle and applying brakes, which makes it very difficult to maintain balance and move forward, open ended questions are lot like giving a push on the merigoround to keep things going and one thing we haven’t talked about is why is this subject important to me in the first place. 

Most of you must have felt how this blog would help you out personally, but to me learning this art has helped keep my conversations going and build up in networking. Believe it or not I asked an open ended question to the right person at the right time. When I asked a professor of mine about how to proceed my career ahead, his one line in my conversation with him marked my future, that line was - “Do something in your life that would bring a smile on your face every morning as you wake up and lead your career towards that direction which would make you love the path you chose and not feel as work load” and for sure I decided my mind thats how I chose and always feel happy about day to day life, I am much happier now that I am doing something I love to do. 

You see when you develop to keep a conversation going with someone you automatically develop a relationship with someone, you make friends, you make business acquaintances and by doing these your life becomes much richer. I think by learning these distinctions and applying in your own life you move one step closer to the kind of relationships you want and having the life you most want.

Good luck to you all

Kamal Soan